The only honest lecture that Mr. Obama can give to America's school children is the following:
Boys and girls - including those among you who are as yet unsure of your gender - I come to you today, the beginning of a new school year, in order to encourage you in your studies.
Learn your arithmetic, get acquainted with the multiplication table, understand the concept of exponential growth - for this is the kind of growth that I envision for the federal government.
Get used to thinking in terms of millions and billions and trillions, especially when these numbers are preceded by a negative sign. Without deficits, there can be no increase in government. This is a paradox, but it is nonetheless a tenet of liberalism.
Go figure at recess.
Learn your ABCs also. In a few years, when you graduate as functional illiterates, you will need to have mastered these, at least, in order to vote for the proper Democrat on the ballot.
Not to worry. Representatives from ACORN, my alma mater, will be there beside you should you have any difficulties deciding. But remember that, in the end, whether you can read or write is irrelevant. It is government's responsibility, after all, to feed you, and house you, and tax you, and teach you, and heal you, and drive you places. The only thing you have to fear... is Fox News.
Lastly, learn your history. Since 1776, this nation has been called the United States of America.
Wouldn't it be so much easier and simpler and more conducive to group hugs if we could all just be, from now on, the United Suburbs of Washington, D. C.?