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Columnist
Bears corner the market on gibberish
By Mike Imrem | Daily Herald Columnist
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Published: 1/5/201 6:06 PM | Updated: 1/5/2010 6:33 PM

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Facing fourth and long, the Bears punted Tuesday afternoon.

The kick was blocked.

Trailing by 14 points with the ball at midfield, the Bears took a knee to end the half.

The move was booed.

This game of fantasy football was played in Halas Hall's auditorium. Instead of a suite, four members of the McCaskey family sat in a balcony.

The Bears lost again, plunging their season record from 7-9 to 7-10.

Club president Ted Phillips, general manager Jerry Angelo and head coach Lovie Smith revealed their strategy to revive their floundering team.

Essentially, they kept their jobs but several assistant coaches didn't.

"Lovie is the commander of the football team," Angelo said, restraining himself from saluting.

What the Bears' latest farce amounts to is the enlisted men taking the fall for the officers' failed plan to execute a panty raid on the nurses' quarters.

Phillips also said, "The changes we're making now are not insignificant."

Gibberish!

Anything short of firing Phillips, Angelo or Smith, or all of the above, is insignificant.

Phillips said that declining to dismiss any of the Bears' primary decision-makers had nothing to do with money left on their contracts.

Gibberish!

Angelo pointed out that the Bears have 62 players under contract for next season and insisted the nucleus is good.

Gibberish!

Smith, well, he kept talking but I didn't write down much because it was just more of his same old -

Yes, his same old gibberish.

Phillips, Angelo and Smith are giving each other votes of confidence, pats on the back and another year to succeed.

Why? Because, the theory goes, they directed the Bears to the Super Bowl three years ago and can do it again.

Gibberish!

Three years is a lifetime in the NFL. Better club presidents, GMs and coaches were fired in less time for messing things up in fewer ways.

Phillips, Angelo and Smith decided that even though they broke the Bears, they are qualified to fix them.

Gibberish indeed!

Smith, for example, hired the coaches he fired this week and now is responsible for hiring their replacements.

Gibberish set in motion.

Maybe Smith will bring back John Shoop as offensive coordinator. Ron Turner already has had two turns with the Bears, so he'll have to go to the back of the line and wait a few years for another one.

Meanwhile, Phillips, who doesn't profess to be a football man, was responsible for determining whether football men Angelo and Smith can repair the Bears.

Then there are the McCaskeys, really not football people despite owning a football team, being responsible for determining whether Phillips was enough of a football man to determine whether his football men were capable of -

Boy, gibberish is contagious.

Phillips acknowledged that "some may disagree," but Angelo and Smith are staying because he believes continuity is the path to resurrection.

At some point the producer of the unfunny comedy "Old Dogs" probably said that about his director and screenwriter.

That movie also was nothing more than a series of blocked punts, booed knees and rampant gibberish.

mimrem@dailyherald.com